The Schoolyard Paradigm
by MrsVincentCrabbe
Summary: IN PROGRESS: The non-optional fandom trope: BBT goes high school AU. Chapter One: Sheldon Cooper is forced tutor at a public high school at the behest of his mother. will be Sheldon/Penny of course
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

Sheldon Cooper couldn't help but scoff at the public high school building before him. He was 15 years old, already had a master's in physics and busy working on his dissertation for his Ph.D. Damn his mother for volunteering him for high school tutoring.

"You need to interact with kids your own age, Shelly," she had insisted. "You can't spend your whole life alone in your room measuring your own urine." With his face set firmly in a sneer, Sheldon Cooper advanced inside the building with a bleak outlook. This would set him behind in his dissertation.

Leonard Hofstadter was determined to avoid yet another year of social ostracism at the Loser Table in the far corner of the gymnasium. He couldn't help that he was the only kid in the school who had been eligible for the post secondary enrollment at Cal-Tech for the special physics program, and that he possessed an IQ of 173. So, this year, he had been demoted from the Loser Table to his very own corner of Doom and Gloom, thus labeled by the other kids as the Leonard Table. So, around lunchtime, he was surprised to see a rather supercilious young man sitting at the Leonard Table.

"Uh, hi?" Leonard said meekly.

"Hello, young man," the boy said with an air of being Leonard's superior. 'Rich kid,' Leonard grimaced.

"I'm, uh, Leonard."

"How unfortunate," the boy said, continuing to mark his papers like he hadn't just insulted him. "If you are in want of tutoring, I don't offer sessions during lunch."

"No, it's just…you're sitting at my table."

"I wasn't aware there was a sitting chart." Leonard laughed at the boy's little joke. It sank like the Lusitania. "You're joking, right? Right?"

"No. Tell me, where do the teachers sit?"

"You're new here, aren't you?" Leonard sat his tray down and slid into the chair across from him.

"Leonard Hofstadter," he said, extending his hand. The boy sneered at it and refused to return the gesture. Leonard let his hand fall nervously to the table.

"Sheldon Cooper, I'm pleased to meet you," he delivered the well rehearsed line with a note of contempt for the social convention.

"Charmed," Leonard deadpanned. "Wait a second, _the _Sheldon Cooper? Youngest winner of the Stevenson Award ever!" Leonard noticed that Sheldon seemed to fluff up a little at the praise. "I thought you were supposed to be in Germany teaching."

"Yes, well, my mother demanded I spend at least a single semester in a," he was barely able to finish the sentence, "public school."

"What are you doing here?"

"Offering tutoring in all subjects except for those in the arts and literature categories. I do, however, offer editing for scientific papers. What subject do you need help with?"

"You mean, you can't tell?" Leonard said disbelievingly, pointing to his thick glasses and cello case. "Do I look like someone in need of tutoring?"

"Why else would you be speaking to me?"

"I thought you'd need a friend. You looked lonely so I came over here to keep you company."

"Then why did you begin this whole conversation with accusing me of sitting at your table?"

"Okay, fine," Leonard acquiesced, "the other kids won't let me sit with them."

"I appreciate your honesty." Sheldon never looked up from his papers. Leonard set about unwrapping his baloney and mustard sandwich. They sat in un-companionable silence for nearly ten minutes. Leonard decided to try whistling a merry little tune to bide the time.

"No whistling if you wish to continue this association." Leonard couldn't help but smile. Anything was better than sitting at the Leonard Table alone.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two:

It wasn't long after that initial meeting that the pair met Indian exchange student Rajesh Koothrappali. Paul and Kevin had left him in a locker, claiming it to be an "American pastime, like baseball." It took Sheldon forty-five minutes to crack the combination to the locker ("I'd have done better with a stethoscope.") and released the boy from his prison.

"Oh, thank you," he said, bowing his head a little out of habit.

"Happened to me freshmen year," Leonard commiserated.

"When I was eleven, I figured out a way to pick the lock from the inside," Sheldon piped in.

"In India, we don't have lockers. We tied our books to our backs with strips of cloth."

"Isn't that slightly stereotypical?" Sheldon accused.

"Yeah, I'm practicing the sob stories for the American girls," Raj flashed them a grin that oozed the confidence of a different man.

Leonard rolled his eyes and snorted a little. "Well, we'll see you around, Rajah."

"Rajesh."

"Ranjesh," Leonard tried again.

"You know, Raj is fine."

"Works for me," Sheldon supplied like it mattered to them. A rather wiry boy with headgear and tight white pants ran by, followed by Paul and Kevin. "Do strange things like this always occur in public high school?"

"Yes," Leonard said. "We better run before they come back."

"Why ever for?" Sheldon said, not moving an inch. Three minutes later, all three, including the boy with the headgear, were enclosed in lockers. "I suppose I see your point now, Leonard." No one could see Leonard roll his eyes.

The gym teacher freed the four boys from their small cells with a sort of condescending smirk of his own past triumphs of a similar nature. The trio turned on the skinny metal-head to their collective left. He had a bowl cut that made Leonard feel more secure in what he called his 'hobbit hair' style, and a little yarmulke perched slightly crooked on his head. The white pleather jacket had a star of David patch on the left shoulder and Vulcan Federation badge on the other. He turned around and tried his best to swagger on his chicken-y legs towards the others.

"Howard Wolowitz," he spit a little through his head gear on the 'z'. Leonard took his hand and introduced himself and the others. "Paul's just jealous because I'm doing his sister." Howard sighed, rocking on his heels.

"Yeah, in your dreams," Raj cracked.

"As fascinating I find this entire conversation," Sheldon broke in, "I have duties to which I must attend."

"Yeah?" Wolowitz said, "like what?"

"I actually have some inane girl coming in for geometry, chemistry, and American history tutoring. Penny...Penny...Penny something something. It doesn't really matter to me." Leonard and Howard's jaws hit the floor with a thunk.

"Who's Penny?" Raj asked innocently enough.

"You're tutoring Penny?" Leonard squeaked out.

"Yes," Sheldon responded with no obvious opinion on the matter (besides a little distaste for the whole matter).

"Who's Penny?"

"Penny as in Head Cheerleader Penny? Penny as in Kurt's Girlfriend Penny?"

"Penny as in Luscious Long Legged Goddess of California Penny?"

"The Venus di Milo incarnate?"

"Helen of Pasadena?"

"Well, I don't quite know for all your poetic license but I can safely say she is head cheerleader and I believe her family moved here from Nebraska."

"I'm so going to do her someday," Howard sighed, "and if you say one thing about my dreams, you'll be meeting Freud."

"Oooh, I'm afraid of the little man in the head gear!" Raj mocked. "Come on, they're serving cheese fries in the cafeteria." Wolowitz humped his shoulders and followed his new friend to the lunchroom. Leonard turned in time to see Sheldon begin to walk away.

"Hey, where are you going?"

"As I said, I have tutoring duties to attend to."

"What about me?" Leonard asked.

"What about you?"

"Can't you help a friend out?" Leonard asked, eager for a chance to get up close and personal (God help him) with Penny.

"Friend?"

"Yeah," he flashed him his awkward and hopeful puppy-dog smile, "me."

"You and I are friends?"

"Well, yeah."

"Based on what?"

"We shared a table at lunch," Leonard grasped at his straw.

"And that contends for the beginning of a friendship?" Leonard thought for a moment that Sheldon was just pulling his leg. The serious look on his face suggested otherwise. In a flash of understanding, Leonard simply nodded and smiled. "Oh, how interesting. Very well, Leonard, you may be the rat to my Pied Piper."

"You mean 'tag along'?"

"Whatever works for you."

AN: Thanks to DesertDragon who makes this fic what it is!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three:

"Hello, I'm Sheldon Cooper and welcome to tutoring. While I offer my services free of charge, I do have a set of rules and regulations that must be abided by. Here is the contract agreement," Sheldon rattled off as soon as he entered the room, "please sign and date at the bottom and initial all paragraphs." The blonde at the table merely lifted her eyebrows at him. Leonard sat down in the chair to her left and whispered, "Just sign it." The blonde, feeling like she had found another human in Leonard, smiled and tried to start small talk.

"Is he always like this?"

"I've only known him for an hour, but it seems like it."

"I'm Penny." Leonard felt his throat close up and the walls of his esophagus suction together.

"Leonard," he barely hacked out.

"Well, I'd say I'm happy to meet you, but this tutoring thing sucks. I'm never going to get anywhere with school." Leonard, the thoroughbred academic that he was, was taken aback by her statement.

"What can you do without school?"

"I want to be an actress. I want to be the next Marilyn Monroe."

"Marilyn Monroe's real name was Norma Jean Baker," Sheldon offered from Penny's right as he sat down.

"That's great," she said, not hiding her lack of interest.

"Initial here," Sheldon pointed out to each paragraph. Leonard felt like he was on cloud nine, watching Penny follow along with Sheldon's anal retentive side. She would glance up at him like her life saver in the Sea of Sheldon and roll her eyes at all the eccentricities of his 'friend'. Remarkably, for someone so misanthropic as Sheldon appeared, he had a way with teaching. Penny seemed to like the way he was able to talk things down to her level and Leonard couldn't help but see the appreciative smile on her face when Sheldon would help her solve the equation properly. He even had a game to help her learn the atomic weights of the elements. Leonard kept trying to get Penny's attention back on him, but she seemed to be on a one track mind of getting through her homework as quickly as possible. Leonard was about to slink off into another hour of Doom and Gloom when Sheldon's watch began to beep. "Oh, dear," he said, standing up and gathering all his papers.

"Where are you going? I still have American History homework, Sheldon," Penny pouted. She had to keep her grades up to stay in the Spring Musical. If she kept going at her D average, they would put her on academic probation and that meant expulsion from all extracurricular activities: cheer leading and drama club included.

"_I_," Sheldon emphasized, "have other things to do."

"Yeah, so do I, but I've got to get this done!"

"You signed the contract. Contract states, and I quote," he cleared his throat, "_all services rendered are terminated at precisely 3:30 PM Pacific Time_."

"Yeah, like I actually read your little contract."

"You initialed and signed it. In effect, you were pledging your word to adhere to my rules in exchange for tutoring. If my stipulations were unacceptable to you, you should have stated so in the negotiation period."

"There was a negotiation period?" Leonard asked disbelievingly.

"Yes, in the time she read the contract, she could have put forth suggestions and compromises." Leonard gave him a doubting look. "Okay, suggestions I would have pointedly ignored but would have heard nonetheless."

"Sheldon, I have to get this work done. Please?" Penny turned on the puppy eyes and the pouty lip. No man could turn down the pouty lip. Or, at least she thought.

"You signed the contract."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" Helpless Maiden should get the alpha male in him to rear up.

"I suggest you make arrangements for other tutoring services."

"What the hell is wrong with you?" she asked, surveying him seriously, like she could see what was dysfunctional in his brain through his eyes.

"I'll help you," Leonard's voice cracked with excitement and hormones.

"As your dilemma is solved, I'll be off. You almost made me late for _Star Trek._"

"_Star Trek_?" Penny turned and stared at Leonard.

"Oh, yeah, I forgot that was on," he said, disappointed that he would miss it. She gave him the woman look; you know, the "aren't I more important than _______?" look. "Well, let's get cracking."

_***The Schoolyard Paradigm***_

"So, wait, Paul Revere was a silversmith?" Penny laughed.

"Well, yeah, you know. All those Forefathers had other jobs. Did you think they ran around dumping tea into harbors all the time?" She laughed at him and he felt that tickle in his chest that he felt whenever he saw her. Unfortunately for Leonard, all good things must come to an end. Raj and Howard came barging in with a basket of cheese fries and a standing room fan.

"Oh," Leonard moaned, "hey, guys."

"Sorry about this, Leonard," Howard said, not really sorry. "Ms. Wickham wants her fan fixed. If Ms. Wickham wants something, I give it to her. Pow!" Howard laughed at his own innuendo. "Oh," he said with mock surprise, "who is this ravishing young woman?" He tried to grab her hand to kiss it but she jabbed him with her pencil. "Enchante to you too." Raj looked at Penny, wanting to deliver some witty cheap shot against Howard, but found he couldn't express a peep. His vocal cords just shut up and refused to speak. He glanced around for anything to fill his mouth with to avoid looking stupid and shoved a handful of cheese fries in his hanging jaw. Penny just grimaced in disgust before turning back to Leonard.

"Let's try to finish this," she sighed, the good mood of before dissipated to eagerness to leave. Leonard sighed and tried to keep going.

"Excuse me," Howard said, lending over Penny to pluck a pen out of her pencil case.

"What are you doing?" she demanded.

"Watch, fair lady, as I fix this fan with nothing more than the shaft," pause for effect, "of this pen." The fan was spinning just fine, but wasn't oscillating. It could go to the left, but would get stuck midway and rebound.

"You can't stick the pen in there while it's running."

"Au contrair, Leonard. Watch and learn." Howard stuck the ink cartridge through the wire cage and went for what he thought was the problem. All they heard was a click and a squeak (one from the fan, the other from Raj) as the fan's blades caught the ink shaft, cracked the plastic, and smeared great gelatinous stripes of blue ink across the blade surfaces. Penny smiled at the well intentioned geek before packing up her stuff and leaving with the hurried excuse of cheerleading practice. "Oh, yeah," Howard smirked, flipping the pen in the air, "she's into me."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four:

"Guys!" Leonard yelled. Sheldon, Howard, and Raj had been standing awkwardly by the school library waiting for the day to start. "You've got to come out here."

"For what?" Sheldon asked.

"To see Freedom face to face." Sheldon couldn't help but roll his eyes.

"Unless there is a student here with the name of Freedom, you can't see an abstract concept."

"I'm aware of that," Leonard huffed, "just...come here." The three boys followed a jumpy and excited Leonard to the student parking lot. The giddy nerd almost jumped out of his skin as he showed the boys a lime green hatchback car with faux wood paneling. He looked at his friends expectantly. "Well," his voice cracked, "what do you think?" Raj thought about laughing, Howard's jaw was rubbing the pavement, and Sheldon had a thoughtful look on his face. "Well?"

"This is your embodiment of Freedom?" Sheldon said incredulously.

"What the hell is it?" Raj wondered aloud.

"It looks like a turtle."

"Thanks, Howard," Leonard said sarcastically. "It's my car. Uncle Floyd gave it to me; said all teenager boys need a car."

"This isn't a car, it's a death trap of cool."

"What does that even mean, Raj?"

"Dude, do you think any girl is going to get into this...turtle shell with you?"

"Yeah, man," Howard said, "you need something cool...like a motorcycle."

"A motorcycle?" Leonard grimaced. "I can barely ride a bike!"

"Then how can we trust you behind the wheel of a car?"

"Driving a car requires no personal sense of equilibrium. Thanks for being so supportive guys," Leonard patted the hood of his car. "It's okay, Sonya."

"Sonya?" Howard scoffed. "You named her Sonya?"

"Inspired by Sonya Kovalevsky, the Russian mathematician?" Sheldon brightened up.

"Actually, yes, she was. And yes, I did. Get over it, Howard."

"Sonya the Turtle. Sonya La Tortuga." Howard and Raj giggled like children.

"You know what? Let's just get to class, huh?" Leonard sent one more look back at Sonya. He didn't care. It was his first car and every boy is in love with his first car.

* * *

"Hey, guys, did you hear? Penny's throwing a big Halloween party at her house this year." Howard said excitedly as he came to sit at the Leonard Table that afternoon at lunch.

"Her parents are letting her have a party?" Raj couldn't believe it.

"Well, it's more like her parents are going back to Nebraska to visit her grandmother and she convinced them she has to stay for her chem midterm."

"That's preposterous; the chem midterm isn't until the second week of December," Sheldon supplied, obviously not catching Howard's connotation.

"Exactly," Howard said, glancing around the table. Almost as if on cue, all four hands shot in the air. "Dibs on Spock!"

"Ah," Leonard sighed, "we can't all be Spock!"

"Who even says we'll be invited?" Sheldon said, logically.

"You're her tutor, she has to invite you."

"What social paradigm forces the tutee to invite her tutor to her social functions?" Howard snorted. "What?"

"You said 'tutee'." Howard and Raj snorted and shared a high five while Leonard just smiled at the affronted face Sheldon was making.

"This is impossible. What _did _my mother see in sending me to this primordial pool of ignorance?"

"Tutee," Raj whispered.

* * *

That afternoon at tutoring, Penny was once again surrounded by all four boys. Raj was trying to speak to her but couldn't quite get the words out. It was driving him crazy. He thought about asking Leonard's mother for a brain scan to see what was wrong with him. He'd never had trouble in India. Howard kept trying to fix things and appear manly but usually ended up making chalk catapults out of rubber bands and paper clips and hitting Penny in the back of the head to get her attention. Sheldon thought about finally building that freeze ray so he could make Leonard stop drooling over Penny. It was hard to explain Gram Molecular Weight with Leonard mooning next to her.

"Wait, so, if it floats, it's Gram Molecular Weight is less than that of the water?"

"Precisely. The molecules are light enough to be suspended by the water. Anything that has a GMW of more than the water will sink."

"Why didn't Mr. Woolfram just explain it that way?"

"The man isn't cut out for the teaching profession."

"He's been here for thirty years!"

"A wasted life, indeed." Penny couldn't help but laugh at the seriousness of Sheldon. He didn't just say things to say them or to be liked. He said what he thought, when he thought it, regardless of social pretense or acceptance. Penny couldn't help but think it was...freeing. To have the ability to say anything she wanted...she'd never had that freedom. She envied Sheldon's freedom, though she would never admit that. She smiled up at the over sized praying mantis of a boy and had a crazy thought she couldn't help but follow through with...

"Hey, Sheldon?"

"Yes, Penny?"

"You know I'm having a Halloween party, right?"

"Yes, I do. What of it?"

"Would you like to, I don't know, come?" Howard, Raj, and Leonard all looked like they had been offered water after forty days in the desert.

"No," the other boys all jumped up at the same time, giving Sheldon looks of evil. "What?" They all pointed at Penny, who couldn't help but look a little downcast at having her invitation rejected (even if it was by Sheldon Cooper, her tutor.) "Oh, that was insensitive. No, _thank you_," he emphasized triumphantly.

"Penny, we'll be happy to be there." For a brief second the "I invited you?" look came over her face. "Well," Leonard hummed, "Sheldon will need a ride."

"Oh, right. Can't wait to see you guys there! It's almost 3:30, Sheldon. I'll be going."

"Very well, Penny." The four boys turned to look at each other with mixed emotions of glee and disgust.

"Dibs on Batman!" they called together.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five:

"Sheldon!" Leonard shouted as he honked his horn. "Let's go!"

"Shelly! Oh, is this your friend? Hi," a pleasant woman said to Leonard, "I'm Mary Cooper, Shelly's mother." She offers a hand to Leonard who shakes it, slightly confused. This pleasant, happy, NORMAL woman was Sheldon Cooper's mother? Sheldon came sulking out of the house, not exactly amused by his mother's good nature.

"Oh, Shelly, I was just talking to..." she looked expectantly at Leonard. He opened his mouth to answer her before Sheldon tartly said,

"His name isn't important. I'll be home at four, Mother. Good day." He tried to walk away, but she grabbed his face and laid sloppy kisses on his cheeks.

"Bye, Shelly! Bye...Shelly's friend!" Leonard shouted his name out the window as he backed out of the driveway.

"Don't worry, we're just going to the mall!"

"You boys have fun." Leonard rolled the window up and Sheldon grimaced.

"You should be more careful when you're driving, Leonard." Leonard rolled his eyes. He knew he wouldn't hear the end of it the whole trip.

"We've got to go pick up Howard and Raj at Wolowitz's house."

"Well, when did _we _become the Taxi company?" Leonard gave him a dirty look over his glasses. "Eyes on the road, sir!"

"Hey," Leonard said, a goofy smile on his face. "I like your mom."

"That absurd woman. I believe the genetics that produced me from that terrible cesspool of genes would shock even Gregor Mendel himself." Leonard's mouth depressed and contorted into disgust.

"She's so nice and loving, Sheldon."

"Yes, weak, evolutionarily."

Leonard's head twitched. What was wrong with this kid? What he wouldn't give for a mother like Mrs. Cooper! Leonard set his eyes firmly on the street in front of him. They made it to Howard's house without more than a few murderous incidents and death glares. The pair went up to the door. Leonard knocked while Sheldon sneered. "She could do to water her geraniums."

Howard answered the door. "Hey, guys. Raj will be just a minute."

"Howard!" Leonard cringed at the voice screeching from somewhere in the house. "HOWARD!"

"YES, MA?!"

"WHO'S AT THE DOOR?"

"MY FRIENDS, MA!"

"FRIENDS?" she said incredulously.

"YES, MA, I HAVE FRIENDS!"

"COULD HAVE FOOLED ME!" Howard's face fell. "BE HOME EARLY, HOWARD, I'LL NEED YOU TO HOOK UP MY GIRDLE FOR ME BEFORE BRIDGE CLUB!" Both Sheldon and Leonard looked disgusted.

"ALRIGHT, MA! GEEZ! NOT IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS!" Raj squeezed out of the door, pushing a baseball cap back on his head. "I'LL BE HOME LATER, MA!" Howard shut the door and let out a loud, low sigh. "God, the minute I turn eighteen, I'm out of here." The foursome jumped in Sonya La Tortuga and arrived at the mall twenty minutes later than expected because of Sheldon's anal tendency to backseat drive.

Sheldon demanded that they go to the comic book store first while Howard tried to drag them off to Victoria's Secret. Leonard, somehow, became the moderator, who declared that no one would be going to Victoria's Secret (until they all ditched Sheldon at the comic book store.)

Twenty minutes later, Sheldon found himself standing at the exit of Comic Town with the newest Flash comic and no friends in sight. He was getting ready to storm to the Security desk and have his friends searched for when he saw Penny and her other cheerleader friends walking past.

"Penny!" he shouted. Penny turned around, her bags flying around her.

"Oh, hey, Sheldon!" The other cheerleaders snicker a little but don't dare cross the alpha.

"Penny, I will not keep you from your shopping, but I did want to ask you if you have seen Leonard and the others anywhere around here?"

"Oh, did you get left behind, sweetie?" she smiled prettily.

"No, I believe the correct term is 'abandoned'." Penny noticed the slight frown on his face.

"You can come with us, then, while we look for them." She could see the other girls' eyebrows quirk, but she sent them off with a small glare.

"No, I don't wish to impose-" She grabbed his arm and drug him behind the other girls. His senses were assaulted with brightly colored clothing and strong perfumes as they flitted and skipped in front of him like butterflies.

"What did you buy?" Penny asked, seeing the bag swinging from his hand.

"I bought the newest Flash comic."

"Oh," was all she could say, seeing as she didn't know anything about comics or the Flash. One of the other cheerleaders veered towards Victoria's Secret and Sheldon started to panic.

"I believe this is where I must leave," he gasped, trying to hide his eyes.

"Oh, Sheldon, it's okay. We'll stay out here." The other girls ran into the store while Penny led Sheldon to a bench in front of the store.

"Seeing as you inquired to my purchases, I suppose it would be gracious to reply in kind. May I ask what you have purchase this day?" Penny gave his a sort of crooked look, like a confused cat. "What did you buy?"

"Oh!" she started, pulling some shirts and jeans out of the bag. "Just some clothes." Sheldon eyed the shirts and pointed out an emerald green satin shirt. "I rather like this one. It reminds me of the Green Lantern."

"Huh?"

"Another comic," he waved her confusion away. "Don't concern yourself with it." She smiled up at him. She was about to say something else when she heard some of her cheerleader friends scream. Both Sheldon and Penny jumped up from the bench, but didn't have to go far. Several girls and Sheldon's missing "friends" came stumbling out of the store.

"I think these losers are yours," one of the girls screeched at Sheldon.

"I'm afraid I do not know any of them."

"Sheldon, how are you going to get home?" Leonard groaned, knowing he was done with every one of these girls now.

"Let's just leave," he said, turning on his heel. The four boys ran away from the scene of the crime.

"Bye, Sheldon! See you Monday!" Penny shouted and waved. Sheldon turned as he speed-walked away and waved slightly. The ride home was very quiet.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six:

Sheldon knocked on the door to the quaint suburban house where Penny was currently holding her great Halloween bash. He stood back and waited for the corresponding answer.

"I can't believe you actually dragged me along to this frivolity. I have a thesis to finish!" Sheldon was dressed as Spider man, tugging gently at the place where his bodysuit met his gloves. He glanced back at Howard, dressed as Cupid ("God of Love, Son of Aphrodite, come on!"), who pointedly ignored him and was muttering some of his Greek mythology pick up lines under his breath.

"Oh, your thesis can wait! How often do you get to party?" Raj added, readjusting his turban. He had gone with the "foreign, exotic Indian exchange student" costume, despite the fact that it wasn't a costume. Sheldon had pointed that little factoid out fourteen times in the car.

"I don't choose to party. If I wished to party, there were several of my college peers," he scoffed at the unfitting term, "who often asked me if I wish to partake in their festivities."

"Sheldon," Leonard "The Hulk" Hofstadter sighed, "just consider this a small, informal study on the human situation."

"It's bleak, I don't need a study to tell me that." Leonard thanked his lucky stars that someone finally answered the door.

"You're not Penny," Sheldon pointed out. Obviously, it was brain-breaking that someone other than the hostess would open the door.

"God, I'd hope not," the muscular Tarzan answered. "Though, I won't mind having a little Penny, if you get my drift." Leonard frowned at the boy's rather uncouth innuendo.

"I don't follow." Leonard just pushed Spider man in the door, sneaking a dirty look at Tarzan as he did. Howard ran off to the stairwells, a strategy he had worked out in the car as decreasing the time a girl would have to change her mind. Raj tried to say 'hi' to a girl in a witch costume but couldn't manage it. He walked to the punch bowl before Leonard could warn him it was probably spiked.

"Well," Sheldon said, "we must find Penny." Leonard felt Sheldon move forward but he was rooted to the spot. He glanced around him, feeling a sort of status upgrade. He was at a popular girl's Halloween party, surrounded by tiny costumes and flushed, giggly girls.

"Ah, I think I've found her."

"What are you so excited to find Penny for?" Leonard said, a little jealousy or confusion mixed in his voice, he didn't know which.

"It's proper manners to greet one's hostess upon arrival. Did your mother forget the lesson on basic social manners?"

"Gee, guess she was too busy with our lessons on Jungian thought."

"Understandably, then." Sheldon pulled himself further into the crowd, Leonard close behind. "I believe I see her ahead," Sheldon shouted above the loud music and louder sounds of life and excitement. Sheldon tapped the petite pirate on her shoulder. She spun around, her eye-patch already off-kilter. "Hello, Penny."

"Oh, hell-o?" Leonard decided she had to be already half-lit. He glanced behind him to see Raj gulping down a cup. This did not bode well for a clean ride home.

"Oh, fooled you, did I?" Sheldon snorted his little breathy laugh as he lifted his mask. "Bazinga!"

"Sheldon?" _Oh, yeah, she's totally gone,_ Leonard decided. "What the hell are you supposed to be?"

"I'm Spider-man!"

"Hey, Penny," Leonard said, shuffling out from behind his tall friend. "It's me, Leonard. " She didn't seem to see him.

"What the hell is a Spider-man?"

"He's a comic book superhero who protects the streets of New York City. I can only assume you are either Anne Bonny or Mary Read?"

"Haha, what?" she laughed at him, accepting another cup from someone walking by. Leonard didn't find it particularly safe but he was sort of afraid of drunk, pirate Penny. He hadn't been able to tell if she was a happy drunk or a violent one.

"Anne Bonny and Mary Read were quite famous and fearsome pirates. They were known for their notorious nature and sexual exploits."

"Are you calling me a slut?" she shouted.

"No, merely that I assume you are dressed as Anne Bonny or Mary Read, who, I suppose, could be described as such." She threw her cup at him and stomped off.

"Smooth, Peter Parker."

"I still don't see what I could have done to warrant that. Oh," he said, seeming to get over her attack quite quickly, "punch!"

"Sheldon, I wouldn't drink that!"

"Why not?"

"Check out Raj." Leonard pointed to the boy who was currently shirtless, swinging his turban around his head and proclaiming himself to be "a party animal, growl!"

"I'll never understand human behavior."

"You and me both, Spock," Leonard slapped his buddy on the back.

"Oh, darn," he snapped his fingers and turned to give Leonard a look of regret, "I should have come as Spock."

* * *

Later that night, Leonard found himself the owner of Penny's short attention span. She was gripping his fake, green muscles as she vomited in the upstairs toilet.

"Thanks, Leonard."

"No problem, Penny."

"I feel like I could go from round two now!" She stood up a little too quickly and Leonard tried to catch her. She leaned heavily on the sink counter and shrugged his hands off of her."I'm fine. I'm just going to brush my teeth." He left her there, standing outside the door, listening to make sure she didn't pass out on the floor. He heard the water run and shut off, her spit into the sink and turn the water back on to rinse it away. The door opened and she looked fresh and truly ready for round two. Leonard just grinned and bore it.

"Thanks, buddy," she kissed his cheek before she staggered down the stairs. Leonard watched a now pants-less Raj chase Eve into a spare bedroom. He sighed; he should have come dressed as Atlas.

* * *

Penny was totally wasted by three am again. She was laying on the couch Sheldon had been perched on since midnight, looking up at the popcorn ceiling in her basement. Leonard had disappeared somewhere, Raj was still upstairs with Eve (Adam had pounded on the door once but ended up leaving with a slutty princess at about one), and Howard was sloshed out of his brain and poking the pillow with the end of his heart arrow, toga askew.

"Do you really think I'm a slut, Sheldon?" Sheldon looked down at her face, resting much too closely to his thigh for his own comfort.

"I never said you were," he replied, trying to shrink closer to the arm of the couch. He could hear the snores and grunts of various stages of nocturnal activities (some of which he didn't want to think about) but they were the only ones still awake.

"But you implored."

"Implied," he corrected her, "no. I merely asked if you were Mary Read or Anne Bonny."

"But they were sluts?"

"Yes," he said slowly, coming to realize perhaps she could have taken his questions incorrectly.

"So, I'm a slut?"

"No, and I apologize if you thought I could think such a thing of you." She smiled up at him and threw her hand up to rest on his thigh. She patted it lazily before curling up on her side and going to sleep. Sheldon moved her hand gently and curled up on the couch corner and (amazingly, illogically, uneasily) went to sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

When Penny broke up with Kurt, the only thing Sheldon could say was, "I suppose we are going to get no actual work done today, then?" Penny was a great mess all over the small table that they worked at, tissues spread around her like a tiny ocean of her own sorrow. Leonard was tentatively patting her on the shoulder, his face alternating between compassionate and victorious.

"You could show me a little, I don't know, sympathy, Sheldon!" She blew her nose noisily into another tissue and tossed it on the pile.

"Don't worry about him," Leonard said, rubbing her shoulder gently. "He doesn't feel."

"Leonard," Sheldon said, "I resent that statement and the evidence that I _can_ resent that statement negates your hypothesis that I do not feel."

"What?" Penny bit out.

"I didn't mean it that way, Sheldon," Leonard said, standing up and moving around Penny. "I just meant that you don't feel the same way that everyone else does," Leonard said, his voice getting higher and more placating.

Sheldon crossed his arms and looked down his nose at Leonard. "And you support this statement with what?"

"Penny is sitting here, crying, and you can do nothing but worry about your contact agreement and your schedule."

"I merely did not wish to allow Penny to wallow in pessimistic thoughts about her own pathetic life."

"You know," Penny spoke up, her voice was heavy with tears, "I think you're getting better at hiding your insults, Sheldon. I almost didn't pick that one up."

"Sheldon, I'm just saying," Leonard was obviously playing all sides of the field right now, trying to juggle making Penny happy with appeasing Sheldon, "you could try a little harder."

"Would you like me to try as hard as you? Because you are expending a considerable amount of energy to, what is the phrase? Oh, yes, "get in her pants"?"

"Look," Penny said, "I'm going to go and, what was the phrase? Oh, yeah, wallow in my pathetic life and you two have your own little break-up, okay? I've had enough of all this for one day." Penny got up and stomped out of the door, slamming it behind her.

"Well, this could have gone worse," Sheldon muttered, gathering his things in preparation to go home for _Star Trek_.

"Yeah, Sheldon," Leonard turned around on him. "But, instead, you go ahead and accuse me of..._that_ in front of Penny."

"You mean to tell me you are not trying to "hook up" with Penny?" Leonard looked around the room, as if searching for something, anything to save him from the truth.

"Agh...duh....Look, that's not the point."

"I disagree, it is very much the point," Sheldon interrupted. "You are angry with me because I inadvertently interfered with your attempts to ingratiate yourself with Penny."

"Don't pretend you know me, Sheldon. We've been friends, for what, four months?"

"Barely three and a half and you have proven yourself to be quite a readable personality. You have a singular goal: Penny."

"And you are destined for something so much greater than love, huh?" Leonard accused. Sheldon scoffed quietly and picked up his bag.

"Science is a greater love than that of a fickle human." And with that, he left Leonard alone in the tutoring room.

"Oh, my God, she wasn't kidding. I think Sheldon and I really just broke up." Leonard said down at the table and wondered how his life always seemed to come back to him being alone.

* * *

"Sheldon?" Penny said tentatively to the lump leaning against the brick wall of the school building.

"Hello, Penny," he said, his voice quivering a little.

"What's the matter?" she asked, sinking to the ground beside him.

"Nothing. I thought you would be home by now and half-way through a box of chocolates."

"What makes you think that?" she said, her voice slightly curious.

"It's what Missy does when she dumps someone." Penny looked over him for a moment, thinking about how she would much rather be doing just that. Instead of admitting that, she just shrugged her shoulders. They didn't speak, just sitting (Penny in the dirt and Sheldon on his windbreaker.) Penny wondered how Leonard could ever think that Sheldon didn't feel. It was quite obvious to her that he did.

"Are you upset about Leonard?" He shook his head no but she could see the little stubborn streak in him that made her not believe him. She saw it because she knew the same stubborn streak ran through her. "Maybe this is good for you guys, Sheldon."

"Good for us? Fighting? I hate fighting." Penny just nodded, thinking about how much she loves the thrill of an argument and the smug victorious smirk on her face when she won, and understanding that Sheldon wasn't the same.

"Everyone has to fight a little bit, Sheldon. It's how you grow."

"And I suppose you and Kurt had many arguments?" She felt a stab in her heart and it instantly flared up into anger at Sheldon; wounded, friendless Sheldon.

"Look, I'm talking about you and Leonard here, okay?"

"Okay," he said. He looked off at the sky for a second before he turned back to Penny. "Would you ever go out with Leonard?"

"Leonard? God, no. No, we are..." she stopped to consider it for a moment before turning back to him and said, "acquaintances."

"Acquaintances?" Sheldon questioned.

"Yes, and nothing more."

"That is interesting because I am sure Leonard would classify you and he as, at the very least, friends."

"Friends, acquaintances, whatever. I don't have room in my life for this kind of stuff, Sheldon," she sighed.

"On that note, I can relate, albeit only in the vague sense of it." Penny looked at his profile, just wondering what it felt like to be brilliant and so...above everyone else.

"We should get home." She stood up and dusted the dirt off the back of her jeans and watched as Sheldon slid his windbreaker back on and gripped the strap of his bag. They both turned away from each other to head towards the different parts of town before Sheldon turned suddenly and said, "I expect you to know the parallel postulate before tutoring tomorrow."

"Make up with Leonard, Sheldon," was all she said. Sheldon cocked his head and raised an eyebrow, his face pursed in confusion.

"What does that have to do with Euclidean geometry?"


End file.
